The day has begun, I never knew when it got so close to evening. It was a stressful day, as I sit on my chair, I try to write. Try to search for words, I have found a few. Welcome to another day of my life.
Early morning of winter, I had got up pretty early than usual. In my dreams, I see a face from my past. Parts of it. I try to recollect it when I get up, I was never able to. This face haunts me. It has given me sleepless nights, Its like I fight a war, blind folded. Yet everyday, I make an unsuccessful attempt to unveil and identify the face. I live in Oblivion.
This day too is no different. Except that today I have a wish, give me answer to at least one of my questions good god. I will rest in peace till the end of time. And no wonder it ends in an answer less evening. I have gone through so many lines that I wrote some time back... Lines which were always close to my heart. I hear them as I type. Thats the only way I trace my roots to the past.
I have walked a long way since we parted, money, position, fame, all that used to appeal me once are yet another thing in my life. I like to live a life which is quiet, with no one around, unfortunately except for few moments in days, I am always surrounded and a never ending walk through the wild fields of Information Technology industry network, keeps me away from my actual self.
I try hard to realize that I am no more the same guy, I try hard to look back and recollect what I was, I see only darkness. I see ahead, to find an endless road. I walk, and turn back with an aspiration that I could see some light, but as I walk on this endless road of life, I see darkness engulfing and erasing the memories of past.
Past, on which my present stands. The present seems to be silent, and I have no memories of past. Sounds strange? Meet me you would know. Everyday I see two persons living my life, the first is what the world sees, a cheerful guy who spreads smiles everywhere.. and the second is the guy who is lonely amongst the sounds of the laughter.
Some how, both these guys are done with their job today, and I live in oblivion. Thanks to them for relieving me so early from their duty and thanks to my life, for accepting the facts and trying to live with it. May be I don't have a choice.
Samar !
Friday, September 21, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Tears !
We live in an egocentric world, All have a world within, which is perceived by us to be perfect. We usually calculate and define a self image, an image which is far different from the actual "We". An image, which is surrounded by the perfect world of our perceptions. Is this true?
What a question is this, does this demand an authoritative answer, on whether our perception is right or wrong, or does it question our existence itself? When do I find an answer to this question?
Yes, every time, a tear conceives in the heart, you are actually trying to answer this question. Some times, it just conceives and dies in heart, and most of the times, it takes birth in the eyes and dies on the lips. The question is answered. The actual self comes up and merges with the perceived self and they become one. This is the moment when a tear is conceived, perhaps because our actual self is not acceptable to our perceived one.
We live with this and most often we die with this. The "this" is the moment when actual self is realized, and not accepted. What we continue to accept is the perceived self. It continues to make our soul empty every time we accept it, and we give a part of our soul to it with pleasure.
What we are born with is an actual self and what we die with is a perceived one. This is a cycle. A cycle, which is attempted to be broken by a weak "Tear". An unsuccessful one.
Cheers again to a successful perceived self.
What a question is this, does this demand an authoritative answer, on whether our perception is right or wrong, or does it question our existence itself? When do I find an answer to this question?
Yes, every time, a tear conceives in the heart, you are actually trying to answer this question. Some times, it just conceives and dies in heart, and most of the times, it takes birth in the eyes and dies on the lips. The question is answered. The actual self comes up and merges with the perceived self and they become one. This is the moment when a tear is conceived, perhaps because our actual self is not acceptable to our perceived one.
We live with this and most often we die with this. The "this" is the moment when actual self is realized, and not accepted. What we continue to accept is the perceived self. It continues to make our soul empty every time we accept it, and we give a part of our soul to it with pleasure.
What we are born with is an actual self and what we die with is a perceived one. This is a cycle. A cycle, which is attempted to be broken by a weak "Tear". An unsuccessful one.
Cheers again to a successful perceived self.
Monday, September 10, 2007
If this were to be !
For ages, It seems I have not slept. A dream that haunted me is nearing to be true. I have come a long way, perhaps too long to go back, and the nightmare I saw is just a few miles ahead. May be I am helpless but to wait and see it happen, feel it and do nothing but to stand, composed and calm, and let it happen to me. May be I don't have a choice. May be I am not looking for one.
The summers of 2005, it was time, that I will never forget as I travel through the journey of my life, I was frozen in time, and I continue to be since then. Remembering what had happened, is not so difficult, every time I try. Moments in their exact sequence make way from the lanes of my memory to right in front of my eyes. And along with these memories, come tears, perhaps to wash them off and make me go back to the present.
The present which is silent, which is dark, which is deep and which is unpredictable. I continue to live, and assume that things will be set right. So what happened in the summers of 2005. Yet another time, the moments are rushing through the lanes of memory and this time, they are making their way to these words that are being read.
Early Summer of 2005, there lived a guy called Samar in a small town, who had a firm belief on friendship, love, emotions, relations and all the things that were the pink side of life. He continued to perceive that life is beautiful, until he met reema. She made him realize that life is more beautiful than his perception, his beliefs are true and actually beyond the rainbows there is a world where dreams really come true. She ascertained his beliefs on life and on relations.
So a new saga of love and faith began, a saga that Samar thought would be a never ending one in his life. Poor Samar, he never weighed things in the light of evil and good, never calculated, never estimated. Well, the love which he sought was in his life, perhaps making him feel that these moments as he lived them through will stay forever. His belief grew stronger with every smile on reema's face, with every moment of that he spent with his love.
A small town cannot host the aspirations of people for long, reema had to leave one fine day to a bigger life ahead. A life which according to her would give her all that she desired. So along with this thought she met Samar for the last time, A perfect moment of life, very often that we come across. A moment surrounded by Silence and sharp edges of pain. A perfect moment of practical existence.
There was silence for a long time. She had tears flowing down and he had questions running in his mind. For samar, it was a moment that was the nightmare, he always tried to disbelieve, but it had to come. Some times destiny comes into its existence taking over lives completely, ruining the farm of dreams that some one grows with all that he has.
Samar, was living this nightmare. The last time, he held her hand, a tear came down through the runway of her pink cheeks to find its destination in the tight bond of hands. Making the bond weak and giving them a moment of separation, that would seem like a life time. This moment was frozen in time, for Samar and for reema.
She left.
She left, perhaps never to come back, Samar, still lives in an endless wait, knowing she would never come back. Summer gave way to Rains which washed away most of the perceptions that Samar had. Most of them. What was left, was an endless wait, which was frozen in the winters. A frozen moment of time, which spring could not melt. Samar exists in this frozen time, with faith and an endless wait.
Some times I wonder, if there is Samar, within all of us. May be every one has a frozen moment of existence. May be not.
The summers of 2005, it was time, that I will never forget as I travel through the journey of my life, I was frozen in time, and I continue to be since then. Remembering what had happened, is not so difficult, every time I try. Moments in their exact sequence make way from the lanes of my memory to right in front of my eyes. And along with these memories, come tears, perhaps to wash them off and make me go back to the present.
The present which is silent, which is dark, which is deep and which is unpredictable. I continue to live, and assume that things will be set right. So what happened in the summers of 2005. Yet another time, the moments are rushing through the lanes of memory and this time, they are making their way to these words that are being read.
Early Summer of 2005, there lived a guy called Samar in a small town, who had a firm belief on friendship, love, emotions, relations and all the things that were the pink side of life. He continued to perceive that life is beautiful, until he met reema. She made him realize that life is more beautiful than his perception, his beliefs are true and actually beyond the rainbows there is a world where dreams really come true. She ascertained his beliefs on life and on relations.
So a new saga of love and faith began, a saga that Samar thought would be a never ending one in his life. Poor Samar, he never weighed things in the light of evil and good, never calculated, never estimated. Well, the love which he sought was in his life, perhaps making him feel that these moments as he lived them through will stay forever. His belief grew stronger with every smile on reema's face, with every moment of that he spent with his love.
A small town cannot host the aspirations of people for long, reema had to leave one fine day to a bigger life ahead. A life which according to her would give her all that she desired. So along with this thought she met Samar for the last time, A perfect moment of life, very often that we come across. A moment surrounded by Silence and sharp edges of pain. A perfect moment of practical existence.
There was silence for a long time. She had tears flowing down and he had questions running in his mind. For samar, it was a moment that was the nightmare, he always tried to disbelieve, but it had to come. Some times destiny comes into its existence taking over lives completely, ruining the farm of dreams that some one grows with all that he has.
Samar, was living this nightmare. The last time, he held her hand, a tear came down through the runway of her pink cheeks to find its destination in the tight bond of hands. Making the bond weak and giving them a moment of separation, that would seem like a life time. This moment was frozen in time, for Samar and for reema.
She left.
She left, perhaps never to come back, Samar, still lives in an endless wait, knowing she would never come back. Summer gave way to Rains which washed away most of the perceptions that Samar had. Most of them. What was left, was an endless wait, which was frozen in the winters. A frozen moment of time, which spring could not melt. Samar exists in this frozen time, with faith and an endless wait.
Some times I wonder, if there is Samar, within all of us. May be every one has a frozen moment of existence. May be not.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Words!!!
I sit on the chair, as I write these words, surrounded by darkness. Surprisingly I have an affinity towards darkness. I find I become one with it. It is uniform all across and all over me. I become a part of it, as I write these words. Some times I feel the affinity one has to darkness is related to the emptiness of his soul. Gradually as I travel through the life I find it to be more and more true.
An Empty soul, Darkness and Words ! A perfect day. A perfect day perhaps with imperfections of time around. I see and feel the sharpness of the environment piercing into me. So whats in life after all these words.
Summers had passed away, rains washed the scars of summers, and winters froze the life, Springs had arrived to unfreeze the attempts of winter. Early morning of spring, birds are chirping and life takes over in the form of light from the darkness of the night. Its time that I embrace life and make a attempt to start over with life again. I get up from my bed looking around and reminding me of the promise that I made to myself as I got up.
I dress up and go for the regular morning walk, as I walk I see around to find life every where. I see greenery all around, kids dressed up to go to school, the business is begun. As I walk through the lanes towards the joggers park, I see so much of life. Some where in my mind, a sad and lonely guy is also unwillingly waking up. Waking up to break the promise I made to me this morning. I walk on to the jogging track, start walking and watch people around me.
These are the same strangers I meet every day, no one ever makes an attempt to wish either. Next day we will be strangers again. I complete through the first track, the lonely guy has woken up and is also walking along with me. I continue to ignore him, and treat him as a stranger like every one else. He insists that he knows me, and we are not strangers. He tells me that he takes over every time I try to write down my own story on paper. He is within me, all over my soul. My empty soul. I walk back home. I Start writing.
I accept and acknowledge that I know him. He reminds me of the past, past which has so many memories, so much of warmth. I recollect it as I write these lines, and as darkness engulfs me I recollect it even better now. I start to feel the warmth but this time, unlike the past, this warmth is of loneliness and darkness two of my best friends. I understand, how beautiful life is for some people. May be I was one of them, when the lonely guy inside me was in a polar bears sleep.
Every person in this world has a story to tell. An untold story, which he has written with the color of his soul on the paper of reality. And then, he folds the paper of reality and keeps it in the pocket of his heart. Never speak out, or the world will know how weak you are!. May be these lines are true. I try to hide my own story, my soul has become colorless any way and so is my story, its unreadable.
My unreadable story, which had few names, few places, and few moments, which were the light of my life. I wonder, if my soul would not lose its color, I would have still had the story and perhaps the light of my life. Well said, but I have no memories of how color full life was. The last one's are fading as I write. With every fading memory, I see my soul become more emptier, more colorless. I smile, and accept the colorless life and soul. May be I am used to.The lonely guy inside me has taken over my life completely, The horses are driven out to make room for the harrows to stay.
I try to run from the empty soul, from this colorlessness, from the lonely guy, who is winning everyday with me. I have seen these days in my dreams, as punishment for the sin of trading my freedom for some ones sweetness.
The journey will end, some day it has to, may be a day when I will be buried along with my sorrows, my smile, my tears and a name. A name which is washed out on the unreadable story I carry in the pocket of my heart.
Some day..
An Empty soul, Darkness and Words ! A perfect day. A perfect day perhaps with imperfections of time around. I see and feel the sharpness of the environment piercing into me. So whats in life after all these words.
Summers had passed away, rains washed the scars of summers, and winters froze the life, Springs had arrived to unfreeze the attempts of winter. Early morning of spring, birds are chirping and life takes over in the form of light from the darkness of the night. Its time that I embrace life and make a attempt to start over with life again. I get up from my bed looking around and reminding me of the promise that I made to myself as I got up.
I dress up and go for the regular morning walk, as I walk I see around to find life every where. I see greenery all around, kids dressed up to go to school, the business is begun. As I walk through the lanes towards the joggers park, I see so much of life. Some where in my mind, a sad and lonely guy is also unwillingly waking up. Waking up to break the promise I made to me this morning. I walk on to the jogging track, start walking and watch people around me.
These are the same strangers I meet every day, no one ever makes an attempt to wish either. Next day we will be strangers again. I complete through the first track, the lonely guy has woken up and is also walking along with me. I continue to ignore him, and treat him as a stranger like every one else. He insists that he knows me, and we are not strangers. He tells me that he takes over every time I try to write down my own story on paper. He is within me, all over my soul. My empty soul. I walk back home. I Start writing.
I accept and acknowledge that I know him. He reminds me of the past, past which has so many memories, so much of warmth. I recollect it as I write these lines, and as darkness engulfs me I recollect it even better now. I start to feel the warmth but this time, unlike the past, this warmth is of loneliness and darkness two of my best friends. I understand, how beautiful life is for some people. May be I was one of them, when the lonely guy inside me was in a polar bears sleep.
Every person in this world has a story to tell. An untold story, which he has written with the color of his soul on the paper of reality. And then, he folds the paper of reality and keeps it in the pocket of his heart. Never speak out, or the world will know how weak you are!. May be these lines are true. I try to hide my own story, my soul has become colorless any way and so is my story, its unreadable.
My unreadable story, which had few names, few places, and few moments, which were the light of my life. I wonder, if my soul would not lose its color, I would have still had the story and perhaps the light of my life. Well said, but I have no memories of how color full life was. The last one's are fading as I write. With every fading memory, I see my soul become more emptier, more colorless. I smile, and accept the colorless life and soul. May be I am used to.The lonely guy inside me has taken over my life completely, The horses are driven out to make room for the harrows to stay.
I try to run from the empty soul, from this colorlessness, from the lonely guy, who is winning everyday with me. I have seen these days in my dreams, as punishment for the sin of trading my freedom for some ones sweetness.
The journey will end, some day it has to, may be a day when I will be buried along with my sorrows, my smile, my tears and a name. A name which is washed out on the unreadable story I carry in the pocket of my heart.
Some day..
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